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Never Assume
by: slick
This was in
response to a JAG-a-thon fan fiction challenge.
Characters: Harm, Bud, Big Bud, the Admiral
Items: A wrench, a cell phone, a Playboy magazine (but remember to keep
it IM15), and bottle of wine
Disclaimer:
The author does not own the characters.
Friday Afternoon
JAG Headquarters
Bud walked into Harm's office. "Sir? I just wanted to remind you - the twins'
christening is on Sunday."
"I'll be there, Bud." Harm smiled at him. He had a hard time imagining Bud as
the father of four now.
"And we're having a small get-together afterwards at our house."
"Sounds great. I can't wait to see the kids."
Sunday Afternoon
Church
"I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." Retired
Admiral AJ Chegwidden held one of the bundles and Commander Sturgis Turner held
the other.
Harm and Mac were kept busy watching little AJ and Jimmy, who despite being
barely over a year old, was a handful. They took turns walking him around at the
back of the church.
After the ceremony was over, it was time to head over to Bud and Harriet's
house. Harm was getting ready to ask Mac if she wanted a ride with him, since
the parking was limited at the Roberts', when Bud tapped him on the shoulder.
"Sir? My dad's car won't start. We're getting it towed to the mechanics, but
would you mind taking him to the house with you?"
Harm decided there was no way to refuse and be polite about it, so he agreed.
Big Bud got into the Corvette. "I haven't ridden in one of these babies for
years. Must really help with getting babes, huh?" He winked at Harm.
"I, uh, wouldn't know about that."
"Would you mind if we made a stop on the way to Bud's? I have an errand to run."
"Sure, just tell me where to go." Harm wondered what he'd gotten himself into.
"It won't be out of your way, I promise."
They stopped at a convenience store about ten minutes from Harriet and Bud's
house. Harm waited in the car while Big Bud went in. He came back out shortly,
carrying a paper bag.
"Okay, I'm ready now," he told Harm.
Once they got to the house, Big Bud pulled a bottle of cheap wine out of the
bag.
"I can't stand that hoity-toity stuff they've got here. Give me a little Wild
Turkey and I'm a happy guy," he explained.
They got to the front door and met an anxious Harriet. "Harm, can you give Bud a
hand? The pilot light on the stove has gone out and he can't seem to get it
relit."
"Of course," he replied. None of them noticed little AJ slipping out the door.
It was an easy thing to fix the pilot light - just a matter of getting a wrench
and tightening a nut.
Just then, Harm noticed his cell phone was missing from his belt clip. It
must have fallen off in the car, he thought to himself. He went out to look
for it, and found both it and little AJ in the car.
"AJ, does your mom know you're out here?" Harm asked sternly. AJ shook his head
guiltily. "Then why don't you and I both go back inside and keep you out of
trouble."
" 'kay, Uncle Harm." Harm picked him up and noticed the paper bag on the ground
outside. "I guess this is yours," and he picked it up too and they went back in
the house. Once inside, he handed the bag to AJ, who ran upstairs to his room.
Lunch was finally ready. Harm sat down at the table, next to Mac, thanks to
Harriet's foresight in seating arrangements. Harriet looked around and asked,
"Where's AJ?"
Harm put in, "I think I saw him going upstairs to his room. Probably wanted to
get away from all these grownups."
She went up, then an angry scream came from upstairs. Everyone got up to see
what was going on.
Harriet was at the top of the stairs holding what looked like a book or magazine
and demanded, "Where did you get this, AJ?"
The little boy sniffled and mumbled something.
"I didn't hear you."
"Uncle Harm gave it to me."
Harriet gasped and looked down the stairs where Harm and everyone else was
standing. She quickly walked down the steps.
"How could you give him this, this ..." she couldn't finish her sentence, but
held up what she'd taken from AJ.
It was a Playboy magazine. Harm turned red as everyone looked at him. "I
didn't give that to him. I swear."
"Yes, you did, Uncle Harm. You gave me that bag when we came in the house from
the car, and the picture book was in it. But why weren't ladies wearing clothes?
Don't they get cold?"
Harm froze. The bag? "Wait a minute." He turned to face Big Bud. "What else did
you buy at the store besides that wine?"
"What? So I bought a girly magazine. That's not a crime." Big Bud snorted. "I'm
not the one who gave it to a little kid."
"But ... but ..." Words escaped Harm at that moment.
Bud took care of it. "Dad, I'm taking you home now." He grabbed his coat and
pushed him out the door, still protesting.
Crisis over, the guests who were still there returned to the dining room.
Harriet disposed of the magazine and managed to keep young AJ from asking any
questions about the "naked ladies."
The party wrapped up pretty quickly after the meal. Mac walked with Harm to his
car. She teased Harm, "Nothing like turning a christening party into a bachelor
party."
"Stop it. I didn't mean to. I saw the bag, and assumed it was AJ's."
"I guessed you never learned, Harm."
"Learned what?"
"Never assume. When you do, you make an A-S-S out of U M E."
The End.
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